Chapter 12
I knew the risks and I knew what I could lose. I knew that it would be me that would end up broken hearted. However blinded by the love I had always had for him I knew I would settle for nothing less.
Over the previous six months – the same six months that I had been on that strict diet and exercise plan my marriage began to deteriorate. The more compliments I got from my friends and the more encouragement I got with each kilo I lost I began to resent my husband. Not once during that time did he tell me I looked good or that something I was wearing looked good. He didn’t even give me any encouragement to continue losing weight. Personally I think the problem was that for the first time in the 15 years we had been married the focus was not on him. People began to notice ME. They complimented me. I loved it. It was something new to me, and something I could get used to. I had one of our male friends whom we had known for more than 10 years that I looked very sexy. This is what gave me the confidence to flirt with Jon. I guess I wanted to see how far I could push the boundaries. I had always been governed by rules. I loved rules. If I had rules I knew what my boundaries were. Without rules I didn’t have boundaries and that uncharted territory was something so exciting and incredibly appealing to me.
Right now I didn't want rules or boundaries. My mind was made up. I decided to see how far Jon was willing to go. I wanted to know if he was serious. I wanted to know if he was as interested in me as he led me to believe. But most of all I just wanted to be with him, just one more time. I wanted his naked flesh next to mine; no I wanted him deep inside of me.
I ever so subtly let him know I was interested in getting closer to him. He ever so subtly let me know he was interested in me. After many emails and calls at odd hours of the day and night we had set a date. Jon was going to take me out to dinner. After dinner we were going to take a nice barefoot walk along the beach before we retired to a beautiful motel suite for the night. We organised the wine, the chocolates, the whipped cream, the roses we planned it all. All I had to do was organise time off work and organise the family. I had no conscience at that point so I knew and understood what I was doing was wrong. But I didn't care. I knew what I was doing could cost me my marriage but I didn't care about that either. All I cared about was one last time with Jon Smith. I knew that when I had done it once I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt so I knew in my heart that this would be the one and only time. I knew I had to make the most of it.
I tried to go on with my life as though nothing was wrong. I had confided in Tracy. She was so excited for me. We had discussed many times what would happen if we had that one last chance with our high school loves. Both of us knew what we would do with out hesitation in this situation.
Tracy gave nme all the encouragement I needed to go ahead with my decision. In a sense she gave me her blessing. She told me that it would be a secret, our secret. That we would take to our graves. I trusted her with my life. I had never had any reason not to. We had confided in each other for ten years or more. We told each other everything. I trusted her completely. I trusted her like I had never ever trusted anyone in my life. Not even my best friend growing up. Tracy and I were soul sisters.
There was one thing Tracy neglected to tell me though. However I wouldn’t find out about it for another three years.
As I said Jon and I planned every detail of our night of passion right down to the red rose petals that we were to be scattered on the carpet leading into the bedroom. The wine would be chilling, and soft music would be playing for us as we entered the dimly lit room. The scent of lavender would fill our nostrils as we opened the door.
I began to really look forward to it. It consumed my every thought. If I was showering I would picture us showering together, probably several times in a night of passion. If I was cooking for my family I would imagine I was cooking something exotic for Jon. When I ironed my husbands shirts I would pretend I was ironing Jon’s shirts early in the morning before he went off to a hard day at the office. Whatever I had done on any given day at any given time I always managed to turn it around to somehow involved Jon. Before long the pretend life I had with Jon began to interfere with my real life of a husband who was self absorbed and children constantly wanting attending. To me it seemed such a happier life. My real life revolved around what my family wanted to do. It seemed very seldom I got to do something that I wanted to do. For a short time I became angry, selfish and jealous.
I became resentful everytime something had to be done that I didn't want to do. I began to hate my husband. I became the selfish self absorbed one. I hated family gatherings. They were never that much fun anyway. I guess I just gave myself reason to hate them more. In all honesty I didn't plan on sticking around anyway. Because hey, I was gonna spend forever with Jon. Isn’t that how all fairy tales end? The princess gets to spend eternity with the handsome prince, who satisfies her every whim?
Over the previous six months – the same six months that I had been on that strict diet and exercise plan my marriage began to deteriorate. The more compliments I got from my friends and the more encouragement I got with each kilo I lost I began to resent my husband. Not once during that time did he tell me I looked good or that something I was wearing looked good. He didn’t even give me any encouragement to continue losing weight. Personally I think the problem was that for the first time in the 15 years we had been married the focus was not on him. People began to notice ME. They complimented me. I loved it. It was something new to me, and something I could get used to. I had one of our male friends whom we had known for more than 10 years that I looked very sexy. This is what gave me the confidence to flirt with Jon. I guess I wanted to see how far I could push the boundaries. I had always been governed by rules. I loved rules. If I had rules I knew what my boundaries were. Without rules I didn’t have boundaries and that uncharted territory was something so exciting and incredibly appealing to me.
Right now I didn't want rules or boundaries. My mind was made up. I decided to see how far Jon was willing to go. I wanted to know if he was serious. I wanted to know if he was as interested in me as he led me to believe. But most of all I just wanted to be with him, just one more time. I wanted his naked flesh next to mine; no I wanted him deep inside of me.
I ever so subtly let him know I was interested in getting closer to him. He ever so subtly let me know he was interested in me. After many emails and calls at odd hours of the day and night we had set a date. Jon was going to take me out to dinner. After dinner we were going to take a nice barefoot walk along the beach before we retired to a beautiful motel suite for the night. We organised the wine, the chocolates, the whipped cream, the roses we planned it all. All I had to do was organise time off work and organise the family. I had no conscience at that point so I knew and understood what I was doing was wrong. But I didn't care. I knew what I was doing could cost me my marriage but I didn't care about that either. All I cared about was one last time with Jon Smith. I knew that when I had done it once I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt so I knew in my heart that this would be the one and only time. I knew I had to make the most of it.
I tried to go on with my life as though nothing was wrong. I had confided in Tracy. She was so excited for me. We had discussed many times what would happen if we had that one last chance with our high school loves. Both of us knew what we would do with out hesitation in this situation.
Tracy gave nme all the encouragement I needed to go ahead with my decision. In a sense she gave me her blessing. She told me that it would be a secret, our secret. That we would take to our graves. I trusted her with my life. I had never had any reason not to. We had confided in each other for ten years or more. We told each other everything. I trusted her completely. I trusted her like I had never ever trusted anyone in my life. Not even my best friend growing up. Tracy and I were soul sisters.
There was one thing Tracy neglected to tell me though. However I wouldn’t find out about it for another three years.
As I said Jon and I planned every detail of our night of passion right down to the red rose petals that we were to be scattered on the carpet leading into the bedroom. The wine would be chilling, and soft music would be playing for us as we entered the dimly lit room. The scent of lavender would fill our nostrils as we opened the door.
I began to really look forward to it. It consumed my every thought. If I was showering I would picture us showering together, probably several times in a night of passion. If I was cooking for my family I would imagine I was cooking something exotic for Jon. When I ironed my husbands shirts I would pretend I was ironing Jon’s shirts early in the morning before he went off to a hard day at the office. Whatever I had done on any given day at any given time I always managed to turn it around to somehow involved Jon. Before long the pretend life I had with Jon began to interfere with my real life of a husband who was self absorbed and children constantly wanting attending. To me it seemed such a happier life. My real life revolved around what my family wanted to do. It seemed very seldom I got to do something that I wanted to do. For a short time I became angry, selfish and jealous.
I became resentful everytime something had to be done that I didn't want to do. I began to hate my husband. I became the selfish self absorbed one. I hated family gatherings. They were never that much fun anyway. I guess I just gave myself reason to hate them more. In all honesty I didn't plan on sticking around anyway. Because hey, I was gonna spend forever with Jon. Isn’t that how all fairy tales end? The princess gets to spend eternity with the handsome prince, who satisfies her every whim?
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