Chapter 15
We were talking out on her verandah, she was very relaxed and the conversation was flowing easily. She asked me how Chris and I were getting on. I told her we were doing OK but that I still had so many unanswered questions that she could probably help me with. She once again immediately became uncomfortable. This time I actually mentioned it to her.
“Tracy” I said “why do you always get uncomfortable when I bring this subject up?”
“I don’t” She said
Well that was really the answer I was looking for. I knew if she could deny things to my face she must be hiding something. Did she really think that I didn't suspect something? She visibly became uncomfortable each time I brought this up. I may have been naive before all of this but I’m not now and I’m certainly not so stupid.
So I thought quickly as I overlooked the green pastures that Tracy’s yard had in front of it. I jumped in with both feet. I decided that maybe the direct approach was a better option than my previous choices of beating around the bush.
Straight up I said “How did Chris get access to my email account?”
She was quiet for sometime before she calmly answered my question.
“We had a telephone conversation one day. He called me from work and asked me all sorts of questions about you and why you were always distracted and moody. He told me he thought there was something going on. And that it upset him so much to think that you could be focusing your attention on someone else. He said that everytime he walked into the den you close down a window on the PC. He said he thought there was something going on via the internet” She paused.
I tried so hard to be patient when really I wanted to say “Don’t stop now. You might as well keep right on going” I couldn’t believe me ears.
Continuing she said “Then he asked me Do you know anything about that? I know you two are really close and if something is going on you would know about it”
I sat there in stunned silence. The longer the silence went on the more uncomfortable she became. Which immediately made me think there was more that she wasn’t telling me.
“Well you do know all of my secrets” I said “So he is right you know everything. So what did you tell him?”
“He sounded so upset. He asked me and he said how sad it would make him if you two ever split up. And I just couldn’t see him so upset”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She was supposed to be my friend. The one I entrusted my inner most secrets too. The only person I had ever trusted completely. I trusted her with my life.
“What the hell did you tell him?” I asked her outwardly under control but inwardly my body was about to explode.
“He asked me about your emails and if I knew who you were talking to. So I told him about your emails and I also told him your password”
All the patience I had tried so hard to keep under control was in that instant gone. The fuse had just burnt and the fire cracker went off. It went off so fast it even scared me.
“WHAT? YOU TOLD HIM WHAT? Why would you do that? Why would you betray me like that?”
She replied with simply “You were going to betray Chris so doesn’t that make you two even now?”
“No it doesn’t.” The mixture of emotions that soared through my body were incredible and confusing. I had no idea what to feel or how to feel or even what it was that I was feeling. “We had a bond you and I. I trusted you. I told you all my secrets. You knew everything about me. I told you all the personal stuff that us girls only tell each other, and certainly not our husbands. You knew all of it”
The way I felt was beyond comprehension. She was absolutely right I had fully intended to betray my husband, to break that vow I had promised to him all those years ago when we promised to love to cherish each other for eternity the way new lovers do. Its funny how we all stand there at the alter thinking that the blissful union that you are about to enter into will last for ever. In your mind you think that you will feel the way you do at that point about each other for the rest of your lives. Never does it enter you head that once you have children and your life changes, and it becomes stressful just to make ends meet, and you live pay check to pay check, and you have now been married for what seems like an eternity you will want something different. You will want something more. Maybe it’s because you have more time on your hands, more time to think, more time to focus on other things, more time to think about what might have been. Who really knows why it happens? We always hear stories about relationships that break up but the thought that it could happen to you doesn’t even enter your head. And then all of a sudden there it is right in your face. It’s happening to you, to your life. It’s not the next door neighbor or that lady up at school you see each morning when you drop the kids off, or the hairdresser who always has far too much to say about everyone else. Or your sister in law or anyone else you can think of. Its YOU!
So yes Tracy was right I had planned to betray my husband. But funnily enough I couldn’t see that that equaled what the two of them had done to me.
I knew there had to be more to it than just the fact that I had intended to betray him.
“Tracy” I said “why do you always get uncomfortable when I bring this subject up?”
“I don’t” She said
Well that was really the answer I was looking for. I knew if she could deny things to my face she must be hiding something. Did she really think that I didn't suspect something? She visibly became uncomfortable each time I brought this up. I may have been naive before all of this but I’m not now and I’m certainly not so stupid.
So I thought quickly as I overlooked the green pastures that Tracy’s yard had in front of it. I jumped in with both feet. I decided that maybe the direct approach was a better option than my previous choices of beating around the bush.
Straight up I said “How did Chris get access to my email account?”
She was quiet for sometime before she calmly answered my question.
“We had a telephone conversation one day. He called me from work and asked me all sorts of questions about you and why you were always distracted and moody. He told me he thought there was something going on. And that it upset him so much to think that you could be focusing your attention on someone else. He said that everytime he walked into the den you close down a window on the PC. He said he thought there was something going on via the internet” She paused.
I tried so hard to be patient when really I wanted to say “Don’t stop now. You might as well keep right on going” I couldn’t believe me ears.
Continuing she said “Then he asked me Do you know anything about that? I know you two are really close and if something is going on you would know about it”
I sat there in stunned silence. The longer the silence went on the more uncomfortable she became. Which immediately made me think there was more that she wasn’t telling me.
“Well you do know all of my secrets” I said “So he is right you know everything. So what did you tell him?”
“He sounded so upset. He asked me and he said how sad it would make him if you two ever split up. And I just couldn’t see him so upset”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She was supposed to be my friend. The one I entrusted my inner most secrets too. The only person I had ever trusted completely. I trusted her with my life.
“What the hell did you tell him?” I asked her outwardly under control but inwardly my body was about to explode.
“He asked me about your emails and if I knew who you were talking to. So I told him about your emails and I also told him your password”
All the patience I had tried so hard to keep under control was in that instant gone. The fuse had just burnt and the fire cracker went off. It went off so fast it even scared me.
“WHAT? YOU TOLD HIM WHAT? Why would you do that? Why would you betray me like that?”
She replied with simply “You were going to betray Chris so doesn’t that make you two even now?”
“No it doesn’t.” The mixture of emotions that soared through my body were incredible and confusing. I had no idea what to feel or how to feel or even what it was that I was feeling. “We had a bond you and I. I trusted you. I told you all my secrets. You knew everything about me. I told you all the personal stuff that us girls only tell each other, and certainly not our husbands. You knew all of it”
The way I felt was beyond comprehension. She was absolutely right I had fully intended to betray my husband, to break that vow I had promised to him all those years ago when we promised to love to cherish each other for eternity the way new lovers do. Its funny how we all stand there at the alter thinking that the blissful union that you are about to enter into will last for ever. In your mind you think that you will feel the way you do at that point about each other for the rest of your lives. Never does it enter you head that once you have children and your life changes, and it becomes stressful just to make ends meet, and you live pay check to pay check, and you have now been married for what seems like an eternity you will want something different. You will want something more. Maybe it’s because you have more time on your hands, more time to think, more time to focus on other things, more time to think about what might have been. Who really knows why it happens? We always hear stories about relationships that break up but the thought that it could happen to you doesn’t even enter your head. And then all of a sudden there it is right in your face. It’s happening to you, to your life. It’s not the next door neighbor or that lady up at school you see each morning when you drop the kids off, or the hairdresser who always has far too much to say about everyone else. Or your sister in law or anyone else you can think of. Its YOU!
So yes Tracy was right I had planned to betray my husband. But funnily enough I couldn’t see that that equaled what the two of them had done to me.
I knew there had to be more to it than just the fact that I had intended to betray him.
posted by Cindi-today at 8:41 AM
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