Chapter 17

After everything that I had been through in the last 12 months and also considering the fact that Jon himself had actually blamed me for my husband finding out, in a phone conversation I had had with him, there was very little chance or hope of any kind of romantic rendezvous. I told him that I would meet him for coffee and nothing else. I had made it abundantly clear to him that I had no intentions of having a romantic interlude. Not now, not ever. John didn’t take me seriously and said “Oh well we will see when you get here. Meet me at the Hour Glass café in an hour”

I was absolutely furious. He had to be kidding. After the phone conversation we had after Chris found out, he still expected me to be at his beck and call. After he took no responsibility, he still expected me to jump when he spoke. After he didn’t return or even reply to email after email that I had sent him after the fact that I had visited him numerous times and not once had he ever laid a hand on me with the exception of a hug, he expected me to drop everything and run to him? Fat Chance of that ever happening!!!

I hung up the phone from Jon and placed the phone on my night stand, pulled the covers back on my bed and got in. I looked at the clock; it was 9:30am. I had had a long night shift and decided that although Jon was expecting me to be at the Hour Glass Café in an hour there was absolutely no chance of me going. I had no intentions what-so-ever of going to meet him. I am not just some piece of meat that jumps when a good looking man speaks.

I had been in love with Jon since that summer I began High School. Every good thought that went through my head revolved around him. Every fantasy I had featured him, or if it wasn’t him it was Jon Bon Jovi. Every holiday destination, every love story, every romance novel, every loving couple at a restaurant or beach or park or movies, whatever it was or where ever it was always revolved around Jon.

I learnt an awful lot through this experience. I learnt that you can’t trust anyone, not even those closest to you. I learnt that I am a strong person. I learnt that I really don’t need a man to make me happy. Chocolate will do the job just fine. I learnt that best friends are something we have in High School and unfortunately that is where they should stay. I learnt that happiness is something you make happen. You don’t find it or acquire it. It is not a possession. It is a state of mind. It is a contentment at heart. I learnt that life does go on when we get our heart broken. I learnt that people aren’t as genuine as they seem, that also includes us as individuals. We are different people when we are alone with our thoughts, our emotions. Yet we put on a façade of happiness in public, while we endure our own personal turmoil in private. Sometimes we bring it on ourselves, sometimes we don’t.

I don’t blame Jon for what I went through, I was in on it too.. We were in it together. I don’t like the way he handled the situation but I don’t blame him. I don’t blame Chris either. I will never trust him again, and I really don’t know if I will ever love him again but I do understand why he did what he did. I am still hurt by the way he went about it though. I certainly never expected to have my privacy invaded in such a way. I always feel now that he is still spying on me. I have no privacy which is something I really struggle with. I have always been a private person who has always liked to keep her emotions to herself. I miss that about my life. Sometimes when I am alone with my thoughts I wonder if Chris knows what I am thinking. Did he implant something in my head in the middle of the night on one of those few nights that I have slept soundly that can read my mind? I will never know. But nothing would surprise me now.

I don’t blame Tracy, although I would like to. I know I would not have done the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot, but that was her choice and now she has to live with that. I very much doubt if i would ever be able to forgive her though. I have never told her secrets and never will. But deep down I want to race to her place and tell her husband. She was my confidant who didn't hold up her end of the deal. That hurts beyond comprehension. The bond between two women, especially those who are best friends is supposed to be one of the strongest bonds ever. It is sometimes likened to the bond between a mother and her new born baby. Tracy took away any confidence I had in that kind of bond ever happening in my life again.

I don’t blame myself either. However, I do hold myself responsible for my actions. I know that as an adult I am responsible for my own actions. And although I have been hurt and would never do it again I don’t have any regrets. I am glad for that very brief moment in my life that I did find happiness with the man of my dreams, even though it was for such a very short time.

Even thought it almost cost me everything I have, everything I had worked so hard for. The one thing that does disappoint me is the fact that I didn't see what was going on around me. Right under my nose. I was so absorbed in my own world that for a brief moment I lost focus. I lost my perspective. I let my guard down. I trusted too much and paid too little attention.

I still hear from Jon every few months. Just a brief email letting me know the latest. I must admit I do get a little flutter when I see his name in my inbox. Nut no matter how I felt about him for so long I will never allow my judgment to be clouded again.

I have learnt my lesson the hard way. I have learnt that no matter how brown and dead you own grass is it is not always greener on the other side.

THE END