C'est la Vie

*****This post contains adult content.*****This is not a true story. It's not a romance novel, its just a story about love, about life and about those we get to keep and those we have to let go.Its written in the form of a journal, a confession, a reflection of what might have been. I was inspired to write in this format after watching a movie i enjoyed.Comment if you please. Every 2 - 3 days a new post should be up. Only a small amonut for a quick read will be posted.



A big thank you to everyone for reading. I hope you enjoyed this style of story. I enjoyed writing it although at the time it was a challenge.


(Click on the chapters to the right to get straight to the story)
Hi everyone, Sorry for being slow with the posts. But i have been really, really sick. I'll try to post every couple of days.

Have you ever watched a movie that inspired you in one way or another? Whether it be to clean out that cupboard you have been putting of for years, or to give your kids that little bit of extra attention today, or to love better, or to learn something new no matter how old you are, or to find that long lost love? Well I have. I watched a movie that inspired me to change my style of writing. To try something new. That is why I have chosen to write this story this way. I wanted to write as if I were the one telling you the story. Not as though you were reading it. I hope you enjoy it. Don't be shy. Let me know your thoughts. Constructive criticism is something all writers need.
Cindi
bonjovioz@yahoo.com.au
ALL THE USUAL COPYWRITE LAWS APPLY (C) 2007

Chapter 17

After everything that I had been through in the last 12 months and also considering the fact that Jon himself had actually blamed me for my husband finding out, in a phone conversation I had had with him, there was very little chance or hope of any kind of romantic rendezvous. I told him that I would meet him for coffee and nothing else. I had made it abundantly clear to him that I had no intentions of having a romantic interlude. Not now, not ever. John didn’t take me seriously and said “Oh well we will see when you get here. Meet me at the Hour Glass café in an hour”

I was absolutely furious. He had to be kidding. After the phone conversation we had after Chris found out, he still expected me to be at his beck and call. After he took no responsibility, he still expected me to jump when he spoke. After he didn’t return or even reply to email after email that I had sent him after the fact that I had visited him numerous times and not once had he ever laid a hand on me with the exception of a hug, he expected me to drop everything and run to him? Fat Chance of that ever happening!!!

I hung up the phone from Jon and placed the phone on my night stand, pulled the covers back on my bed and got in. I looked at the clock; it was 9:30am. I had had a long night shift and decided that although Jon was expecting me to be at the Hour Glass Café in an hour there was absolutely no chance of me going. I had no intentions what-so-ever of going to meet him. I am not just some piece of meat that jumps when a good looking man speaks.

I had been in love with Jon since that summer I began High School. Every good thought that went through my head revolved around him. Every fantasy I had featured him, or if it wasn’t him it was Jon Bon Jovi. Every holiday destination, every love story, every romance novel, every loving couple at a restaurant or beach or park or movies, whatever it was or where ever it was always revolved around Jon.

I learnt an awful lot through this experience. I learnt that you can’t trust anyone, not even those closest to you. I learnt that I am a strong person. I learnt that I really don’t need a man to make me happy. Chocolate will do the job just fine. I learnt that best friends are something we have in High School and unfortunately that is where they should stay. I learnt that happiness is something you make happen. You don’t find it or acquire it. It is not a possession. It is a state of mind. It is a contentment at heart. I learnt that life does go on when we get our heart broken. I learnt that people aren’t as genuine as they seem, that also includes us as individuals. We are different people when we are alone with our thoughts, our emotions. Yet we put on a façade of happiness in public, while we endure our own personal turmoil in private. Sometimes we bring it on ourselves, sometimes we don’t.

I don’t blame Jon for what I went through, I was in on it too.. We were in it together. I don’t like the way he handled the situation but I don’t blame him. I don’t blame Chris either. I will never trust him again, and I really don’t know if I will ever love him again but I do understand why he did what he did. I am still hurt by the way he went about it though. I certainly never expected to have my privacy invaded in such a way. I always feel now that he is still spying on me. I have no privacy which is something I really struggle with. I have always been a private person who has always liked to keep her emotions to herself. I miss that about my life. Sometimes when I am alone with my thoughts I wonder if Chris knows what I am thinking. Did he implant something in my head in the middle of the night on one of those few nights that I have slept soundly that can read my mind? I will never know. But nothing would surprise me now.

I don’t blame Tracy, although I would like to. I know I would not have done the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot, but that was her choice and now she has to live with that. I very much doubt if i would ever be able to forgive her though. I have never told her secrets and never will. But deep down I want to race to her place and tell her husband. She was my confidant who didn't hold up her end of the deal. That hurts beyond comprehension. The bond between two women, especially those who are best friends is supposed to be one of the strongest bonds ever. It is sometimes likened to the bond between a mother and her new born baby. Tracy took away any confidence I had in that kind of bond ever happening in my life again.

I don’t blame myself either. However, I do hold myself responsible for my actions. I know that as an adult I am responsible for my own actions. And although I have been hurt and would never do it again I don’t have any regrets. I am glad for that very brief moment in my life that I did find happiness with the man of my dreams, even though it was for such a very short time.

Even thought it almost cost me everything I have, everything I had worked so hard for. The one thing that does disappoint me is the fact that I didn't see what was going on around me. Right under my nose. I was so absorbed in my own world that for a brief moment I lost focus. I lost my perspective. I let my guard down. I trusted too much and paid too little attention.

I still hear from Jon every few months. Just a brief email letting me know the latest. I must admit I do get a little flutter when I see his name in my inbox. Nut no matter how I felt about him for so long I will never allow my judgment to be clouded again.

I have learnt my lesson the hard way. I have learnt that no matter how brown and dead you own grass is it is not always greener on the other side.

THE END

Chapter 16

"Tracy” I said “What is the real reason you told Chris about everything you promised me you would never tell him?. There has to be more to it. There has to be a reason you told him”

“I told you why” she said “I told him because it wasn’t fair that you were going to betray him”

“So to make it fair my best friend, the one whom I would have entrusted my children to if something were to happen to me. The one I had shared my innermost thoughts with. My best friend, Best friend,” I repeated to emphasize my point “betrayed me to my own husband. You are a Judas” I said to her. I got up and walked to the kitchen to put my tea cup in the sink, my mind still missing something. I still didn't have an answer that satisfied me as to why she told Chris.

“Was it worth it Tracy? Do you feel an inner contentment now that you have told him? Do you feel that by betraying me and destroying our friendship that you can ease your own guilt?”

“My guilt? Why would I feel guilty? What have I done to feel guilty about?

“You tell me.“ I said.

She sat over looking the fields in front of her for sometime in silence before she turned and looked me straight in the eyes and said “I love Chris way to much to see him hurt like that. So I had to tell him. Even if that means he is still with you. He would call me from work just to say hello and somehow we would spend the entire conversation just talking about you. I guess I was jealous of the two of you.”

“I don’t believe what I am hearing. You hypocrite. You judge me because I have feelings for someone else and all the while you are doing the same thing. With my husband no less. The two of you are peas in a pod. You both deserve each other." I got up to leave; I walked to the door and slammed it on my way out.

I sat in the car just trying to put everything in perspective. She betrayed me because she was in love with my husband. Ha! If only I had known that before. They would have made a great couple.

My mind again went into over drive. I once again began to watch Chris like a hawk, but this time I also watched Tracy like a hawk. I really didn't care if something had gone on between Tracy and Chris but I did want to know. I felt I needed to know. Maybe it would ease my guilt. Maybe if I knew he had done the same thing I could call it even and move on.

In the past few years Chirs had gone to Tracy’s numerous times to repair her computer. A lot of the time I didn't go with him. I didn't go because I honestly didn't feel the need to go. I trusted her. And I don’t think I had a problem with Chris being around her so there really was no need for me to be there everytime.

When he came home, sometimes hours later he was always in a good mood. Still at the time I thought nothing of it. It wasn’t until I knew she had told Chris about Jon that my mind began to wonder. Then I started to think everything over, almost reliving the past couple of years in my mind. I remembered things that she told me that had happened on some of the occasions Chris had been there to work on her PC. There was the time she was in bed when he arrived. On this day her husband Roger was home so he went into wake her to tell her that Chris was here to fix the computer problem. She told me that she got up and dressed as she walked down the hallway to the living room. She was just pulling her shirt over her head to cover her bare chest when she looked up and saw Chris sitting in full view of her.

And then there was the time she said he had fixed some program that she had trouble with for weeks, she was so happy he fixed the error that she grabbed his head and rubbed it into her bosoms.

There were always lengthy phone calls. At times I would answer the phone and other than a quick hello, she just wanted to speak to Chris. There was also the time when Tracy and I were talking about people who have had affairs and she told me that I should become friends with Jon’s wife. I thought that was an odd thing to say so I asked her why. She said because affairs between best friends husbands are the best ones to have. “Really? Why” I asked puzzled. “Because the other spouse would never suspect anything. And the reason they don’t is because they know their best friend would never do a thing like that”

Obviously Jon was less than impressed that my husband found out about our plans. So needless to say our association ceased. Although most of our contact was via email or phone I missed him. I really missed opening my emails and not seeing one from him. I missed the 3 AM phone calls to keep me awake while I was working . Not that I got one very often but it was still lovely to just talk to him.

How ever it did become increasingly evident to me that Jon had moved on quickly. He wouldn’t return my calls or emails. On the odd occasion that he did reply it was very brief and to the point. Almost as if it were strained. Almost as if he didn't want to talk to me but for whatever reason felt he had to.

About a years after my husband found out about Jon and as I began to move on I got an email from him letting me know that he would be in town on business. I replied and told him that I would love to catch up and see him. I phoned him on the day after I had finished my night shift. During the phone conversation it became increasingly obvious that he wanted to meet up for a romantic rendezvous.

Chapter 15

We were talking out on her verandah, she was very relaxed and the conversation was flowing easily. She asked me how Chris and I were getting on. I told her we were doing OK but that I still had so many unanswered questions that she could probably help me with. She once again immediately became uncomfortable. This time I actually mentioned it to her.
“Tracy” I said “why do you always get uncomfortable when I bring this subject up?”
“I don’t” She said
Well that was really the answer I was looking for. I knew if she could deny things to my face she must be hiding something. Did she really think that I didn't suspect something? She visibly became uncomfortable each time I brought this up. I may have been naive before all of this but I’m not now and I’m certainly not so stupid.

So I thought quickly as I overlooked the green pastures that Tracy’s yard had in front of it. I jumped in with both feet. I decided that maybe the direct approach was a better option than my previous choices of beating around the bush.

Straight up I said “How did Chris get access to my email account?”

She was quiet for sometime before she calmly answered my question.

“We had a telephone conversation one day. He called me from work and asked me all sorts of questions about you and why you were always distracted and moody. He told me he thought there was something going on. And that it upset him so much to think that you could be focusing your attention on someone else. He said that everytime he walked into the den you close down a window on the PC. He said he thought there was something going on via the internet” She paused.

I tried so hard to be patient when really I wanted to say “Don’t stop now. You might as well keep right on going” I couldn’t believe me ears.

Continuing she said “Then he asked me Do you know anything about that? I know you two are really close and if something is going on you would know about it”

I sat there in stunned silence. The longer the silence went on the more uncomfortable she became. Which immediately made me think there was more that she wasn’t telling me.

“Well you do know all of my secrets” I said “So he is right you know everything. So what did you tell him?”

“He sounded so upset. He asked me and he said how sad it would make him if you two ever split up. And I just couldn’t see him so upset”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She was supposed to be my friend. The one I entrusted my inner most secrets too. The only person I had ever trusted completely. I trusted her with my life.

“What the hell did you tell him?” I asked her outwardly under control but inwardly my body was about to explode.

“He asked me about your emails and if I knew who you were talking to. So I told him about your emails and I also told him your password”

All the patience I had tried so hard to keep under control was in that instant gone. The fuse had just burnt and the fire cracker went off. It went off so fast it even scared me.

“WHAT? YOU TOLD HIM WHAT? Why would you do that? Why would you betray me like that?”

She replied with simply “You were going to betray Chris so doesn’t that make you two even now?”

“No it doesn’t.” The mixture of emotions that soared through my body were incredible and confusing. I had no idea what to feel or how to feel or even what it was that I was feeling. “We had a bond you and I. I trusted you. I told you all my secrets. You knew everything about me. I told you all the personal stuff that us girls only tell each other, and certainly not our husbands. You knew all of it”

The way I felt was beyond comprehension. She was absolutely right I had fully intended to betray my husband, to break that vow I had promised to him all those years ago when we promised to love to cherish each other for eternity the way new lovers do. Its funny how we all stand there at the alter thinking that the blissful union that you are about to enter into will last for ever. In your mind you think that you will feel the way you do at that point about each other for the rest of your lives. Never does it enter you head that once you have children and your life changes, and it becomes stressful just to make ends meet, and you live pay check to pay check, and you have now been married for what seems like an eternity you will want something different. You will want something more. Maybe it’s because you have more time on your hands, more time to think, more time to focus on other things, more time to think about what might have been. Who really knows why it happens? We always hear stories about relationships that break up but the thought that it could happen to you doesn’t even enter your head. And then all of a sudden there it is right in your face. It’s happening to you, to your life. It’s not the next door neighbor or that lady up at school you see each morning when you drop the kids off, or the hairdresser who always has far too much to say about everyone else. Or your sister in law or anyone else you can think of. Its YOU!

So yes Tracy was right I had planned to betray my husband. But funnily enough I couldn’t see that that equaled what the two of them had done to me.

I knew there had to be more to it than just the fact that I had intended to betray him.

Chapter 14

My husband came home from getting the lawn mower fuel and proceeded to mow the lawn. It probably took him about an hour or so to do it. Our relationship had obviously been very strained over the last few months so he didn't bother to let me know he was going or that he had returned. However I constantly kept a close eye on him and had learnt in a very short space of time to know exactly where he was and exactly what he was doing. I left nothing to chance. After he had finished he came into the house to get a cool drink. As he took the drink from the refrigerator he went immediately over to the PC. All of the children were outside so I took this perfect opportunity to confront him.

Seizing the moment I simply said “It was you, wasn’t it?”

He said “Yes. It was. How did you know?”

I told him “It doesn’t matter how I know. All I want to know was why. Why would you do this to me?”

He told me that he knew something was going on and had to find out what. So he checked my emails everyday until he found what he was looking for. Then over a period of 6 weeks he continued to check and copy and paste all of the correspondence I had had with Jon over that period into his own secret email account. This is how he got copies of my emails and this is how they were sent to me. As expected I was absolutely mortified I couldn’t even look at him. I was repulsed to be in the same room as him.

There however was still one unanswered question. How did he get access to my email account in the first place?

Several weeks passed and although Chris and I didn't like each other we began to tolerate each other again. That changed one day when Tracy came to visit me one afternoon along with her husband. Unfortunately for Tracy she is a compulsive liar. She is the sweetest person in the world but she can not tell the truth. She is the sort of person to never tell the truth. Although I honestly don’t think she has a great deal of control over it. So it is just something us as her friends have just accepted about her. On top of that she has a huge conscience. If she is doing something she knows she shouldn’t do she has to own up to it. Its almost as if she has to admit her errors to the world. So on this particular day that she that she came to visit me she came for a purpose. Her purpose was to confess. The guilt had gotten to her and she could no longer keep it to her self. Her confession to me by total surprise and shock. Unfortunately one of many shocks I would encounter over the coming weeks. Her confession was that my husband had telephoned her one day asking her what was going on with me. Why was I being so cold and distant towards him? She said she had to tell him the truth. I could not believe what I was hearing. This notorious liar suddenly had the good judgment to tell the truth! So many questions ran through my head. Why now? Why do you have to suddenly play the Good Samaritan now? What possessed her to betray me? How could she do this to me? And most importantly what the hell had she told him?

Tracy continued and I have to admit I sat in stunned silence as I listened to her tell me that she had informed my husband that I was having correspondence with an old friend. She told him what his name was and she also him I was using my hotmail account to do so. There was one important element she did leave out however, that I wouldn’t find out about for a very long time later. As a matter of fact it was well over a year later.

I told her that I was shocked, heartbroken, I felt betrayed. I asked her how would she feel if I had told her husband all of the secrets about her affairs, both online and fleshly. She simply stated that she knew I would never do that, I would never betray her like that. She said that I a stronger that her and would never back down regardless of how hard I was pushed. She said that she knew all of her secrets were safe with me. And she was absolutely right. I was stronger, I would never betray HER the way she had me. To this day I still have all her secrets. In all honestly though I am not holding those secrets now as part of a loyalty thing. I owe her nothing now. I am saving them all for a rainy day. One never knows when one may need a revenge attack.

I cut back my association with Tracy after that day. I just couldn’t stand to look at her. I couldn’t stand to hear her voice or to even see her name in my inbox when she emailed.

However I still had so many unanswered questions running around in my head though that I had to go see her to do a little bit of fishing from time to time. I would always bring the subject up and each time I did she noticeably squirmed in her seat. Each time she would give me a little more information that she did time before. She would mention something and say “I’ve already told you that haven’t I”. Even if she had not old me that particular piece of information previously I always told her she had simply because I thought the further I pushed her the more she would tell. One day during our strained conversations I hit the jack pot.